We all have that kind of heartache that ultimately became the catalyst of every change we make in our lives. You know what I mean right? That heart wrenching kind of hurt that pretty much took everything you have in you, that made you fall down hard and it seemed to be way too much to stand back up again cause you're that broken to a point that you don't really know nor do you have the will to seek purpose in standing back up again.
In my case it was just a huge slap on the face, a scar for my pride and a ginormous waste of my time for one person that didn't deserve me. Up until now I have remained silent about this mainly because it's not really something I would want to open up to everybody for the mere reason that it is in fact embarrassing for me to admit that I have pretty much fallen in love with someone that didn't feel the same way about me. So, where do I start? He was a friend of mine since forever, he's always been there as far back as I can remember, he was what you would consider to be a diamond in the rough but I didn't see him that way at first. In fact I didn't care much of him in the beginning, history says --- and by history I mean my friend Cay2x said that he had a crush on me in grade school, that he was in fact head over heels in love with me. And I'm not going to get into too much detail about this part of our lives mainly because it's still pretty much quite a blur with me already. What I do remember is during college there are moments when I would fall in and out of love with this person --- why you ask? Is because of the many dysfunctional ways that I somehow convinced myself that this one person might actually be meant for me. And why in and out of love you ask? Because in this phase of my life there was a constant war between my brain and my heart , if i should move on or hold on to this person. YEAH DYSFUNCTIONAL RIGHT?
In first year college we somehow remained close enough to be in each other lives but not too close that I would actually consider him to be more than just a friend, in fact you could say our relationship has always been somewhere in between, --- way too sweet to be just friends and not sweet enough to be more than just friends.
Looking back I can still remember him and I just driving around town talking endlessly about our plans for the future, about how he would have this house with a glass ceiling so that every night when it's not raining he could look up the stars, how he would talk about his plans about expanding the farm. I remember he would visit me randomly at home just because --- he wanted to see me? talk to me? There were countless of times when I didn't know exactly what I should feel about him --- Why we kissed? Why he would give me little random gifts in a form of animals mainly. Why we would have random "dates" together just the two of us that I kept secret from all of my other close girl friends and my family just because I wanted things to remain sacred between us. How we would have these countless of hours talking on the phone from night till dawn, how he would just fetch me at home and take me to places far away just to get a bite to eat or have dessert or to plainly just talk. WHY DIDN'T I ASK HIM WHAT IT ALL MEANT? Well now you can see the first part of my mistake.
Sure, some people would say that I was the assuming one -- that I assumed everything he has done to be a form of courtship even though technically he never stated that he was courting me. And yet there's this huge part of me that says otherwise, that what he was doing was in fact his way of showing me that he loves me.Also there's A LOT of people who tell me that he does in fact have feelings for me--- but did I ever hear that straight from the horse's mouth? NO. Was I confusing his friendship for something more? Maybe or maybe not. Up until today ---- I have no idea what it all meant, but I guess its safer to say that it all meant NOTHING....
AND THAT'S OKAY because pretty much everybody has moved on from it. Cause if they haven't then me writing about this would just be awkward.
So I would like to make this clear to everyone, me writing about this doesn't mean that I haven't moved on from him or from the possible thought of us getting back together. In fact I am way pass that now --- that ship has sailed and it is in the other side of the universe never to set foot back her on Earth. This person I am referring to is in fact happy with one of my friends and they're doing well in their relationship and I can sincerely say that I am happy for them.... really I am.
I'm writing about this because I would want to share the lessons I have learned from this experience. Maybe for other people to not experience the things I underwent. Maybe because this is my way of expressing to the universe that I have in fact forgave myself for doing what I still consider up to date as the biggest mistake of my life. Or maybe just for good karma that I let out all the negativity and hopefully bring back all the positives in life.
So to briefly put it, loving someone who doesn't feel the same for you is one of the most painful thing you can undergo. And I had to suffer for six years till I was strong enough to move on from my feelings, till I was strong enough to move on from him,. Being part of the same circle of friends didn't make things easier for me, in fact even if that person isn't in the same city with you I would think that it will still hurt just the same. But I'm here to tell you that it is in fact possible to move on and let go, well if it weren't possible i wouldn't be writing now would I?
- So on to my learning; I learned that when you have "feelings" for someone whatever those feelings are---if you're sure about these feelings then SAY IT. Tell them. LET IT BE KNOWN... Show them but please tell them --- because , there's a lot of room misinterpretation and misunderstandings that could've been avoided if you just stated things clearly and concisely from the start. Just like in the movie "My Bestfriend's Wedding " the protagonist said "When you love someone you say it,, right then, out loud... Otherwise the moment just passes you by" SO YEAH.. Telling you that I passed out the moment when I realize that i loved him already is a bit of an understatement ------because 6 FUCKING YEARS OF MOMENTS flew by that I pretty much didn't see it coming, that I was in fact waiting for this person. So yeah JUST TELL THEM, JUST DO IT!!! There's no perfect timing anyway, there's no right or wrong when it comes to loving someone...you just have to feel it and just put those feelings into a form of expression that human beings could decipher. MY SUGGESTION: TALK TO THEM, BE HONEST AND JUST TELL THEM.
- Waiting for someone who isn't sure about their feelings for you or you're not sure about how they feel about you is a COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME. So why do I say this? Ever hear the expression; GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT--- I only apply that saying now if it's me waiting in line for a donut or an ice cream cone --- cause if you're talking about waiting for a person? Honey, you have got it all wrong. Waiting is not a sign of strength or loyalty for that person it is in fact you enabling that person to treat you like shit and to make you feel that it is okay that they treat you like you're not important and that you don't deserve their time. Waiting is a state of denial that you put yourself into, and pretty much you not caring enough about yourself to realize that IF that person does give a damn about you they would care enough not to leave you HANGING, CONFUSED, WAITING AND WONDERING where you stand in their lives. Waiting is literally pausing your life for someone and for you blindsiding yourself from all the possible what could've beens that was waiting for you if you only opened up to other people. Waiting is you putting this one person in a pedestal that they don't even know they're in and you have given pretty much all for nothing. Waiting is you not facing the truth that's so clearly marked in the heavens above that you are a stupid person for doing this because you've somehow convinced yourself that you are doing this all for love. WHAT A LOAD OF BULLSHIT, sorry this is the skeptic in me, but honestly dude --- if that persons loves you and there's no reason why he/she can't have you WHY WOULD HE/SHE WAIT?
- don't leave everything up to DESTINY. You know that thing people say that's suppose to be comforting but it's just annoying and it doesn't really make any sense if you think about, that thing they say " KUNG KAMU GYIUD, KAMU GYIUD' (If you're meant to be then, you're meant to be.) --- fuck that! "Hot water is water that is hot" --- RELATIONSHIPS take time and work, for you to leave it to this entity you would call destiny is just really stupid., I mean destiny won't tell that person that you love them, freakin' destiny won't show up at your door step to bring you flowers and stuff, destiny doesn't make relationships work ---- YOU DO. that's why when you want something --- work for it because destiny won't get you the girl/guy!
- Love is a game without any exact rules. And you're just one of the few players that are trying their hand for the possibility of hopefully winning the odds, play your cards right --- risk it all or don't play altogether because when it comes to love you either find it and you both win, lose it and you have another chance to play the field again or gave out way too much without really seeing the cards presented on the table, why's that possible? because love is blind! (see what i did there?) Whatever it is --- may it be forever in your favor!!! OR FOLD dude, and just stop--- you quitting the game doesn't mean you're a lousy player--- it just means you're wise enough to give up when you know there's no way for you to win the game.
- Segway discussion; So by now I hope you know that I am a girl and there's always this debate about how girls shouldn't say anything first or give out their feelings first to the guy before anything else. Now this is what I call the PRINCESS COMPLEX--- in olden times this might be the most ideal that girls will just wait and hope for the guy to just sweep them off their feet --- well if that's the case please refer again to my number 2 and with that here's my reason why I don't want to be a Princess. Girls will forever be Princesses but a woman is a Queen, when you decide to love someone with all your heart, you're no longer the little girl who seeks for her prince to save her from something, a little girl that has her head up high in the clouds fantasizing about an ideal fairy tale for her and her Prince Charming but you become a Queen. A Queen that looks out for her King. A queen that knows that love and life is not as simple as one would think, that it can sometimes bring you pain, a woman that has a chance to fight for something she loves, because love is a battlefield make sure you know if what you're fighting for is worth the suffering for too. #GirlPower #Feminism PS: I did tell him how I felt about him, I don't regret it... in fact it was my first step to setting myself free from him. PPS: Turns out he wasn't my king, he was in fact the dragon I was trying to get away from. haha! PPPS: No hard feelings, just love.
- NEVER EXPECT! --- Just because you said "I Love you" to someone doesn't mean you will be receiving an "I love you too" --- the flower won't stop blooming even if the sun refuses to shine. So should you, don't stop loving just because one person didn't love you back. Because there's still so much out there for you. Love is still out there, you just have to keep on looking for it.
- Lastly, and I have to say this is by far the hardest thing to do... FORGIVE YOURSELF. There's no point in trying to look back at the stupid things you've done, trust me there were moments back then when I would cry myself to sleep hoping and wishing that i could turn the hands of time and take back all the years that was taken away from me BUT THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE. All you can do now is to forgive yourself that you screwed up, that you allowed yourself to get hurt by the wrong person, that you allowed your heart to suffer because of those feelings ---- forgive yourself because it's okay. It's okay to make mistakes and to get your heart broken because right after all the pain and the heartache comes a new you. And one day you'll be brave enough to face yourself again in front of a mirror, smile and remind yourself to be happy because you deserve to be.