Where do I even begin? I can honestly say there are times when I've totally given up on you. There are times when I thought you're this person, turns out you're not. There are times when I'm beginning to accept the fact that I might grow up old and single and I'm okay with it. Maybe you died from a horrible accident ultimately ending "what could've been the best love story of our lives", maybe you are held hostage somewhere in Afghanistan and there's no way for me to meet you or for you to meet me. Are you somebody I already know but then I couldn't see you in that light yet? Are you someone that's close to me, but then we both can't fathom being in a relationship together because "we're JUST friends", are you somebody I hate right now? And I can't stand being in the same room with you. The point is...WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU? I was taught and pretty much grew up believing in fairy tales and happily ever afters but then reality fucks you over because so far all I've been witnessing and experiencing are heartaches and broken relationships and although there are a few that I idolize in terms of their relationships still there's this ringing inside my head wondering "where are you?" Cause then maybe once you have arrived I will go back to that carefree innocence of actually believing in happily ever afters again.
Look, there's no point in me trying to curse at the fact that you don't exist yet in my life right now. But common, would you blame me? Every girl dreams of that special someone, at the age of five I always thought of you riding a white horse and saving me from the wrath of some monster I made up because there has to be some trouble that you will save me from! At the age of seven you were the boy I had a crush on and spent loads of time with catching and collecting bugs at the back of our school grounds because at that time that was my definition of what a date is like. At the age of eleven you were the guy that literally chased me around, yanked my hair and complimented me about how good I was in drawing pokemons in my notebook. At the age of twelve WOW you were what I call now as my puppy love, how naive and childish we were back then, just because you had a picture of me in your wallet it automatically means we were going out and we have a relationship! (LOL) Come high school you were that junior I had a crush on and had one magical night with all the glamour and "bullshit" about "PROM". In that same year in High School you were my best friend, someone I wrote songs with, someone I actually talked to about everything and anything, we were so close, we went into the same clubs together, we had the same interest and we both were hoarding grades/awards as if it was the most important thing in our lives, you were loved by all and yes you weren't the typical popular jock but you were the sensitive down to earth, boy next door that I was convinced that I had a connection with, but then no turns out you were in love with someone else and then you broke my heart. In college, you were the guy I thought who loved me, because you were always there in everything that has happened and everything that I have become, yes we had our differences and yes we had certain issues but then I was such a romantic that I actually thought we were meant to be together, but then you left. And it shook me up a bit considering I not only lost someone I fell in love with, I also lost a friend. But ----Thank you for teaching me a kind of love that's meant to be given once you've loved yourself first, thank you for teaching me the kind of love that hurts and for showing me the difference of Love and obsession. And now you're just a blurred memory that I intend to bury deep beneath everything that has happened. At the age of twenty you were that "fling" one summer who absolutely convinced me that I detest guys because well YOU WERE AN ASSHOLE!!!! Thank you! Because of you I now have trust issues and absolutely detest stupid fucktards that are apparently quite numerous in our generation. After graduation and while reviewing for my licensure exam, you were the cute guy I shamelessly flirt with during breaks at a tiny cafe in our town, you've made me feel like a kid again with a crush and I will admittedly say that you will forever be my crush maybe till I get married because well you are just one of the most honest, kindest people I've met that year. And you gave me a bracelet as a remembrance--- as if I could ever forget someone like you. At the age of twenty three being able to travel around the world, you were that handsome marine biologist who made me believe in the possibility of actually being okay to love someone again, you taught me to believe in myself and to do what I love to do, just because no one in this lifetime deserves to be anything but happy. But oh well, distance broke us apart and it ended way sooner before it even started.
At the age of twenty four you would think that I'd be wiser, but no... still unwilling to give my heart away , and yet there's still a trace of that little girl who still yearns for the right man to just sweep her off her feet. So yes, please don't blame me for questioning your existence because frankly I'm questioning my own existence as of the moment. I'm so lost and I wonder if you're lost as well, and maybe that's the reason why we haven't found each other yet? I'm still looking for the guy who will make me go ga ga over him, the guy who I will sing "When God Made you" in my head whenever I see him smile at me. I may or may not know you but I know once I've met you our love story will be epic! And it will be my favorite, amongst all the sappy rom coms I've watched, and all the cheesy love novels I've read--- OURS WILL BE MORE LEGENDARY! So I hope to meet you someday--- I leave that all to fate, love, God, Buddha, Zeus, Serendipity and destiny. And once we meet. I can't promise you the world, but I will give you everything that I am and everything that I hope I could be when I'm with you. I promise to be your best friend, someone you can just rant and vent out on about your frustrations in life, I promise to have my hand ready to hold you whenever you need a hug or whenever you just need someone to hold hands with. I will try to know the difference between "being there for you always" and "giving you space". I can't promise you that I'd be perfect, because I'm not---- I'm the worlds biggest weirdo and I have a lot of issues and eccentricities that I hope you will find just adorable. I'm moody and high strung, opinionated and very judgmental. I'm a homebody and I prefer staying indoors most of the time binge watching anime or series or just reading a book--- I geek out over the most random things and I cry over the most petty things I see on the internet. I would probably be one of those girlfriends who won't text you as much because I'm not into texting but I will try my best to call you first thing in the morning and call you before you sleep just so I'll know how your day was. I promise to not be the kind of girlfriend who will "disturb" you during your work hours and respect that you are an independent being and you don't need to be "babied" all the time. I will most likely coerce you to wear couple shirts and matching outfits from time to time because I admit I think that's cute. And I'll probably drive you mad insane with my indecisiveness when it comes to "what movie are we going to watch?" or "Where are we going to eat?". I will probably pick fights with you about your kind of music or the fact that you don't have time for me anymore, or the way you drive. At times you will be rolling your eyes at me and be amazed at how "foul-mouthed" I can be...And I know there will be times when you will hate me with a passion because of my bitchiness and my insecurities but I hope that you will still love me anyway
. I will probably "borrow" a few of your large sweaters and hug you more longer than I should... I will be terribly in love with you and will adore everything about you, I will support you in anything you do that makes you happy, and I promise not to roll my eyes at you when you cheer WAAAAYYYY TOO LOUD over a freakin' game on TV. I'll respect your night outs with your boys and try my best to actually like them! And if you have a best friend that's a girl, I will try my hardest to not be the green eyed monster and go ape shit on her. I will be friends with your mom, even though there are going to be times when she will irritate the hell out of me...I will learn to cook your favorite food and promise to cook it for you during your birthday and or when you are sick I will be at every game or event that you participate in, and be the proudest girlfriend who will cheer you on always. You and I will go on epic adventures together, seeing the world--- shouting at the top of our lungs in Machu Pichu, go wine tasting(even though I don't like wine) in Italy, adore the lost pyramids in Egypt, surf the beaches of Hawaii, be the ever cliche couple who goes to Disneyland and do cute couple things and I don't fucking care wherever we go just as long as I'm with you... You will be that one person I would want to go on risky rides with even though I'm dead scared, you will be that one person I choose to fall for and I will have complete faith and trust that you'd be falling beside me, and that fear that I dread will just disappear, because for the first time in my life ------- everything will make sense.
So to the Dude I'm writing this love letter to... you don't need to fret. I'm just here. Waiting. And you don't need to worry about impressing me and pleasing me in some over the top romantic gesture that I see in films because whoever you are and whatever you do I know that no matter what kind of crazy shit you are, I'm still going to fall for you. You will be that someone I will take countless of selfies with that I don't intend to post online, you're going to be my partner in crime--- you are just someone I can't wait to meet. Someone I opt to grow old with. So you---- God! I really do hope you exist. Please find me soon!!!!